The suits (not to be confused with the scantily-clad women) at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals are back in the news, this time for suing SeaWorld. Apparently, PETA’s “a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy” philosophy holds that the various orcas performing in the Shamu shows are “slaves,” so PETA is suing SeaWorld for violating the Thirteenth Amendment. You can’t make this stuff up.

We hope that this suit will be given the laughing-out-of-court it deserves. (It is California, so who knows.) However, we will point out that PETA’s support for the “rights” of animals doesn’t appear to extend to animals in PETA’s own care.

The Fifth Amendment holds that “No person shall … be deprived of life…without due process of law.” You’d think PETA would support extending that right to animals, too. Yet, PETA kills about 2,000 adoptable dogs and cats per year (over 25,000 since 1998). Say, don’t those animals have a right to a fair trial? That’s not to mention all the folks who believe the death penalty is cruel and unusual.

What's next? Will ducks run for Congress? Will grizzly bears have the right to bare arms (or arm bears)? Will ants have the right to freely assemble on picnics?

On second thought, maybe it’s not such a radical concept after all. After all, there are plenty of turkeys and weasels with constitutional rights already. You can find them at 501 Front St., Norfolk, VA.